Breakfast Investigator Gaiden
*A rat slumbers, and dreams of Breakfast Investigator.*
mmmMMMmmmm. What do we have here? A little continental Breakfast, mayhaps? Oh, Conrad-Hilton New York Downtown, my beloved, your powdered eggs are nonpareil. I've been craving a tiny box of honey nut cheerios, just like this one. These mini-croissants are quite dense. Just how I loik it. Just wish there was more cheese to nibble on.
Twas an easy infiltration this time. Just got my suit back from the dry cleaners after Nelly spilt a glass of grapefruit juice all over it. No one questions the man in the suit. "I've heard rumors of Breakfast," I said cheekily at a cleaning lady in the hotel lobby. "Jyes. Esta allí," she replied smiling. I smiled back. I am a master of my craft.
Normally, continental breakfasters sit around looking concussed, but they're all smiles when they see Nelly. Who doesn't love a border collie? Such a good girl. Toss her some bacon. She looks so cute with the iPhone 16 Pro Max strapped to her head.
My plates are loaded up. Time to get recording.
"Good Morning, Breakfast Nation. We're in the Conrad-Hilton New York Downtown (where else? ha ha). Y'all already know we coolin widda hot cup of black coffee. Mmmm. Fire. They didn't burn the beans. Beautiful. Alrighty, let's take a gander at these loaded plates: I got the eggs and b.; some more e. and bacon; I got croissants, I got two-three untoasted bagels --"
*The rat's repose is threatened by a distant meow.*
"Ah pardon me, Sir," says a mystery man.
Breakfast Investigator looks up. He sees a man donning a very nice suit and a welcoming smile.
"Hey, what's up?" B.I. replies.
"I'm with hotel management. We're inviting select guests to come beta-test a Premium Breakfast Experience which we're planning on rolling out next month. It'll take just thirty minutes of your time," the smiling man says.
"Premium, you say?" B.I. asks.
"Oh, sir, the best."
"Can I bring Nelly?" B.I. asks.
"Of course. We'll have some Premium Chow set out for her as well."
"Okay, let's do it! Do I just leave these plates here?" B.I. asks.
"We'll keep them warm for you, sir. Just in case you're in the mood for a second, less-Premium breakfast experience later today."
B.I. and Nelly follow the man to a halogen-lit backroom which is furnished sparingly with a table, four hundred empty cardboard boxes, and a soda machine. The smiling man puts a cup of coffee down on the table in front of B.I.
"Our servers will bring your caviar out in just a moment, sir. Sit tight." And with that, the smiling man exits the room. B.I. hears the door lock.
"Chat, I'm hyped up for this breakfast. Omegapoggers," says Breakfast Investigator directly into Nelly's camera.
After fifteen minutes, the door unlocks and a jacked man with a crew cut comes storming in with a baton.
B.I. gets up and shouts, "Oh fuck Nelly, we're trapped!"
"Sit your ass down," says the super-soldier, before striking B.I. hard with a baton-shot across the neck and clavicle. B.I. drops back into the chair, struggling to breath. Nelly cowers in a corner.
The super-soldier slams down a file on the table. A potpourri of troubling security photos spill forth, capturing B.I. and Nelly purloining breakfasts worldwide. The super-soldier stands tall, arms akimbo, surveying it all.
"I'm Agni Halfthorsson. Head of global security at Conrad-Hilton International. And you are 'Breakfast Investigator,' a.k.a..." Here Agni Halfthorsson pulls out his phone and looks at it for a second. "... Seok-won Kim. And this must be 'Nelly.'"
Agni attempts a smile, and tosses a dog biscuit at Nelly's head.
Breakfast Investigator finally regains his composure: "Hey, man, I can explain --"
"Shut up. This is your 131st trespassing attempt at a Conrad-Hilton property, Mr. Kim. Our accountants have valued the financial impact of your crimes at..." Agni hits a vape and looks at his phone again. "... 7.2 million dollars."
"7.2 million dollars?! For 131 breakfasts?" B.I. asks.
"Yes. For the breakfasts, and for other, related damages, both fiscal and spiritual." Agni drops down to eye-level, snarling. "I can't stand haters and punk-trash like you. You think society's one big playground, don't you? Well, playtime's over pal. You think we're just one big block of aged Wisconsin cheddar for you to nibble on? Well, this cheddar bites back."
"I want m-my lawyer," B.I. whimpers.
Agni cracks B.I. right on the coglioni.
"No lawyer can save you from Conrad-Hilton, bud," Agni screams. "Oh I know all about you. Everything. You break the law for, what, your 200 subscribers on Kick.com? That can't possibly generate enough revenue enough to live off of. Is that why you steal so much breakfast?" Agni hits the vape again. "I can't believe you were once an Olympian. You're a disgrace to the noble sport of Paralympic archery."
"Stop! Stop!" screams Breakfast Investigator. "Don't talk about the Old Me. Not in front of my viewers. Nelly! Turn the stream off. Nelly!!!"
*The rat wakes up in a sweat.*
"Cheesus Christ, what was all that about?" says the rat. He lights up a wake-up-cigaratte and puffs at it. "I really should call my mom..."